Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 2.

I was told I should probably be more candid on this blog. Change names and such. Thought about it. Naw. There are only two people that I've shared the link with. I only shared it with the two of you cuz I don't think you'll think any less of me. For being a fuckup. And sharing it on the interweb. That said, I'm going to talk about people, and be honest about it. Talk about myself. And be honest about it.

Just took a really nasty shit in the bathroom. And I think Toliver wants to show the apt to someone. I can hear them outside talking. It smells terrible in there.

Went out last night to a couple of smoky dives in South Philly with Megan. Not previous blog's Megan. Different one. I told her I had started a blog earlier yesterday, but then I refused to divulge any information about it to her. Said I don't want people I know reading it. She asked why I didn't just keep a journal. Said I dunno. I really don't. I could make some twisted argument about how a journal is actually more self-indulgent than a blog, but I'm not going to. I don't think the argument would be very good anyways. And most people would not agree. Megan wouldn't.

We talked a lot about Kate. Sucked. Megan seemed like she wanted to talk about it. Or maybe she felt like I needed to talk about it. Either way, I didn't instigate it. Dan suggested to me earlier yesterday that Kate has been plotting and carrying out this elaborate revenge on me for years now. Sometimes I think he's right. Listening to what Megan said, I felt it had some truth to it. At one point I knew I deserved it. If it is what he says it is, she is one sadistic bitch. Don't really believe that though.

There is church music playing somewhere near me. I live in the ghetto. At the threshold of where it is acceptable for white people to live. Or where I think it is at least. Haven't taken any polls or anything. Not knocking door to door. Though apart from me and Toliver, I don't think any white people live here. This makes me feel uncomfortable in many ways, mostly because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I wonder why I'm uncomfortable. Maybe because I'm some privileged middle-class suburban white kid and my presence indicates the steady gentrification of the neighborhood, and I feel a typical middle-class guilt about it and a certain amount of middle-class shame too. Been taught to be that way by someone. Don't know who. But I know it was someone. Maybe a part of me detects a little veiled hostility in the glances I get on the streets. Though maybe it's my imagination. Either way, it bothers me. I also find myself getting nervous at night when passing strangers. It shouldn't be that way. I'll get used to it.

I hooked up with Megan last night. That's something I should keep to myself. The implications are a bit too much to grasp. Besides that, no one should know about it (in the event that you are reading this, Rachel, keep it to yourself). Megan is Kate's best friend. Megan is dating somebody. Megan is Rebecca's sister. Rebecca is one of the only other girls I thought I was in love with. One of my three. And I brought Megan in on that one too. We both wanted someone to be with I think. Her bf lives in Europe. My gf doesn't exist. I've hooked up with a lot of girls, especially lately. Leah was a nice girl, but I didn't really know her that well. I have to say that apart from Kate on New Year's, I haven't actually been with anyone that I cared deeply about. That I knew. Not that I'm looking for this to evolve into anything. I know it won't. I don't think I'd even want it to. But we've been really good friends for a long time. It was nice for me. I think she feels really weird about it. I think this because she told me. I sorta want to do it again. It was easy to be intimate with someone you know and care about. Different. Much smoother. A bit weird though. But I got over that quickly. Kate would disown the both of us though. Must keep secret. Still, it was nice.

Supposed to go out with Shayla tonight. I'll make out with her. And sleep on her couch when she won't let me be the big spoon. Spent way too much money last few nights. Bitches and booze. Need to slow down. But we're going to a party. Parties are cheap. To attend. Gint might come out too. His grandfather is in the hospital. I think he needs to come out. Gint is radically awesome. A burly, lumberjack Lithuanian. Not really a lumberjack. But really Lithuanian. I miss him. He is one of my good friends. I will never be intimate with him. He is quitting smoking. I hope it goes well for him.

This blog isn't funny. I'm just typing away. Not that my intention is to be funny. But it would be nice to flavor it with a few one-liners or some dead-pan remarks. Instead it is depressing. Probably.

I am going to take a shower. 15 minutes in this shower and the tub is filled with water. It takes 4-5 hours on average to drain. I have timed it and I'm not exaggerating. Toliver wants to charge 600 for this apartment. I think that is way too much. 450 would be reasonable. Not 600. But she is letting me stay here for free for as long as I want. How did I luck out and meet such awesome people?

Goodbye, readers. Or reader. Or empty space. I dunno if or why anyone would read this blog, now that I think about it. It isn't remotely interesting for anyone but me.

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