Just can't let the feeling fade.
I think that in the back of my mind somewhere, I've always been reserving myself for Kate. Emotionally, that is. Never quite addressed it to myself or anyone else. But looking back on it, I know that's the case. And I guess the revelation I had is that I don't need her. Or that. Overcoming that helps me overcome a whole range of anxieties I didn't even realize were related to that one, but which I believe today all stemmed from that source. I should have listened to Jim years ago. When we were in Rome in 07 or 08 or something. I was video chatting with Kate on skype everyday. And he said to me, "You need to quit talking to that girl or you'll never get anything done." He has no problems with her, but just knew that here I was in Rome, traveling around Europe, meeting all these interesting and awesome people, and meanwhile I was constantly calling my ex-girlfriend and spending whole evenings talking to her.
And so now, perhaps a little belatedly, I'm taking that advice. And last night, as I felt I was closing the chapter in my life that is Her, I began to think about all the world of possibilities that lie before me. And I got excited about it for the first time. Rather than feeling bogged down by all the pent up anger and non-reciprocated affection that I was feeling, rather than somehow putting everyone else off or keeping them at arm's length, rather than secretly doing everything I was doing with the hopes that she'd come back to me, I feel completely liberated. I'd almost say disinterested in her. Because now I am associating her with all these anxieties. Not her fault, just the fault of the human psyche. But I don't actually want anything to do with her anymore. I have one interest at the moment: kicking ass. I used to be great at that; at being amazing. To myself. But that's all that really matters, is what you think of yourself. As long as you aren't naive or delusional about it. You know, like thinking you're the most handsome and coolest guy in the bar. No. But realizing one's potential, self-actualizing. Knowing in your heart you can do everything you've ever dreamed of (except go on a date with Scarlett Johansson sp?). And that's what I'm feeling right now. That I can bounce back harder from this than anything. I want to make films. I've said that so many times now it's starting not to sound completely foolish or ridiculous. And I've been watching and studying so many award winning short films lately. Hardly any of them are better than my ideas. If I can learn to translate that to the film medium, then there is no reason I can't make it.
So in short, I need to go. I'll try to keep blogging, but this has started to run its course. At least, as far as this blog goes being about loneliness.