So it has been a while since my last post. It snowed. A lot. Everywhere. Feets and feets. The roads just had enough time to be formed into dangerous, ice covered paths before more snow came and fell. The city of Philadelphia shut down for almost the entire week. It also snowed both in Alabama and Rome (on the same day!). It never snows in either of those places. Crazy.
Right now I'm back in Bama. Just to babysit my parents 2 dogs for 10 days. While they go to Disneyworld. Never took me to Disneyworld, but no matter. I'm trying to quit smoking and quit drinking at the same time. Not an easy thing to do. It is much easier not to drink than not to smoke. Drinking is something I do in the evening, and typically with other people (though not always with other people), while I tend to smoke all day long. After my coffee, after my shower, before lunch, after lunch, in the afternoon several times, then all evening long. I smoke a pack a day. I've gone from that to an average of 3 a day since my birthday Sunday. Today is Friday. I've had the same pack all week. Haven't even really thought about alcohol, which is nice. I'm not as bad as I always make myself out to be, and part of me wonders if I drink as much as I do because I tell myself in the back of my head somewhere that I'm an alcoholic. Last night Beka and I went to see a movie, but I got there too late cuz my dad wanted me to buy him some ice cream (when were the roles reversed? I housesit and work and be responsible while they go to Disneyworld? I have to go out at night and buy him ice cream AND Oreo Klondike bars?). So instead we went to El Rey. Leah waited on us and sat with us from time to time. I ended up drinking two beers, but over the course of 2 and a half hours, so it wasn't too bad. But Leah did ask me if I wanted to go to Bud's after her shift ended and shoot some pool. I had to decline, even though I was starting to get ready for another drink. A trip to Bud's is the last thing in the world I need. Everyone smoking, cheap beer, pool. Good way to fall back into the habit of smoking and drinking myself to death.
Besides, I've enjoyed by sobriety. I've been productive and healthy. Eating better and exercising. Just pull-ups, sit-ups, and push-ups. But still. If I had some better running shoes maybe I'd get on the treadmill. Maybe I'll borrow my Dad's. Tonight I'm going to make spaghetti and lasagna for the week. My Mom's spaghetti and lasagna is honestly better than anything I've ever had in Italy (Sorry Italian friends!). Italian cuisine often is much simpler than Americans tend to imagine it, using fewer ingredients than any American dish, but also fresher ingredients and less butter and fatty foods. Every dumb American woman I get on a tour asks me how Italian women stay so thin when they eat pasta everyday. Simple: they don't eat junk food or put junk ingredients in their staple dishes, and they get EXERCISE. They WALK places. Holy shit. Revolutionary concepts those are. Don't eat shit food, and walk a little everyday. We've just gotten so greedy. We want a thousand different things, and we want the easiest and most convenient ways of doing everything, no holes barred. No sacrifices here. Cheap and easy. That's how we want our food, and that's how we want our diets. Fucking infatuated with diets! That's something that annoys the fuck out of me about America. But anyways, my mom's pasta sauce is bangarang. Even though there isn't much that correlates to any authentically Italian dish I've ever had. She fills it with all sorts of things: fresh mushrooms, diced tomatoes, italian sausage, ground sirloin, tomato paste, ricotta, fresh parmesan, etc. A lot of ingredients. It is amazing. Especially the lasagna. It takes hours to make. I know how to make it, but I'm a lazy ass and have never done it, and sometimes it ain't no fun cooking for my friends cuz half of em are vegetarian, which I've never been bothered by before, but now that I think of it, that's really obnoxious. I love elaborate meat dishes, and having to cater to those 2 or 3 people at a dinner really sucks. I mean, imagine a room of 5 people and there is 1 vegetarian, well you don't want to make all sorts of shit for 4 people and then something else for that 1 vegetarian, so why not just make it all veggie friendly. Ok, well whatever. I'm rambling.
I've been listening to the Leonard Cohen Pandora station, and I don't know if I so much like Leonard Cohen as much as I like all the musicians that Pandora associates with him. Perfect matches for me.
Things with Kate are eh. That's about all I can say about it. I had a panic attack before boarding my flight out of Philly because since August I've had an uncompromising fear of flying (totally random fear that developed during a flight from Bratislava to Rome), and it was the middle of a snow storm, so I started scratching my head until it was bleeding and finally she was the only one I could think to contact about it. She called me after exchanging a few texts and talked to me for a while. That was nice of her. But still. I shouldn't have done that. I know other people who would have talked to me while I was freaking out about this flight, but she was the first that came to mind. So I talked to her. I feel differently here in Alabama though. Less caught up on it. But I also feel more solitary than ever, in a good way. I just want to stay at home alone all day with the dogs, exercising, cleaning, editing, writing, reading not smoking, not drinking, watching films, etc. I just want to sit around by myself. Or with the dogs as company.
I have to pee. And I promised myself I wouldn't have a cigarette today till afternoon. Which is an accomplishment for me. It is now afternoon. And I want one. My next won't be till tonight, so yeah. Hopefully I can just smoke the two for the day. And be done. But I think this weekend at some point I'm going to finally break down and invest in some gum or patches or something. Cuz I'm really serious about it this time. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do though. Quit smoking. I'm terrified of it, for some reason. I feel like cigarettes have gotten me out of some really tough spots, anxiety-wise. What am I going to do now? People don't realize what a psychological addiction it is as well as a physical one. I could probably get over the physical one before the psychological one. Cigarettes have always been like a companion. A pause in the day in which I can think and be alone for a minute. God. Help me.