I've slumped back into depression the past few days. Everything was going well for me, till Saturday. Then it started snowing and I was confined to my empty apartment. I'm not sure what to do with myself to get out of this. That night Toliver had a housewarming party, which was a good distraction. I danced a bit. Megan spent the night with me again. I asked her the next morning if she wanted to go see a movie with me. She said are you asking me out on a date? And I said there's no need to italicize it. Her boyfriend gets in Friday from Switzerland, so I wasn't asking her out on a date. I was asking her to go see a movie with me. Because I'm lonely and want to do something with whoever will do something with me. Because of all of this, I haven't been as productive as I should be. It is really annoying.
All that positive energy I was feeling... gone.
I sent Kate an email that started off as a blog entry about a week ago. It summed up everything so clearly. I talked about her breaking her hip, and how shitty I felt when she did, and how I wished I had been there to support her. How I tried, even being overseas. I talked about growing up and maturing and realizing what she had always wanted from me. I talked about a whole lot of shit. But I was pretty clear about how I need to sever all ties with her in order to move on, since talking to her at all merely inspires a false hope in me that things will work out, and I can't have that false hope lingering in the back of my mind all the time. She texted me an hour later saying it made her cry, and that she misses me. Well. Here I am.
So I felt better for a few days, like I had a sense of closure. Then Friday she started talking to me on gchat. Small talk. What are you doing this weekend. Said she was going dancing. Since I know that this dude is there, of course I thought it a bit insensitive to tell me her plans. I went out to Shayla's housewarming party with Abdullah. Shayla avoided me all night. Oh well. Abdullah drove me back home and we smoked a lot of pot. That's my new thing, since I don't generally smoke pot. But it's better than booze. That heightened paranoia can be harnessed for creative purposes, I believe. I don't need to smoke pot that often, but once every two weeks is ok. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this in a blog. I dunno. Don't really care that much. Apart from that, I'm a fairly law-abiding citizen.
Then Saturday came and the snow storm and it was freezing outside and that's when I went nuts. Got stir-crazy. Paced for hours. Finally went to Toliver's and helped make some appetizers for the party. Not very many people showed up, but whatever. The core crowd was there. And it was a nice distraction. The next morning I actually felt fantastic. Me and Megan went upstairs to Toliver's and turns out Jonathan, Megan's roommate, had slept on the floor up there. I don't think anyone suspected anything between me and Megan. Stacey was there too, and we all had brunch. And it was nice. The sky had cleared and it was much warmer outside. So after Megan and Jonathan left I decided to walk around. And walk around did I. I walked from West Philly to Center City down to South Philly and back up to Old City, back through Center City and up towards Fairmount. Finally stopped at Mugshots, across from Eastern State Penitentiary and ate a Turkey sandwich. Then walked back down to Center City, and a few hours later, back up to Fairmount to eat dinner with Dan and Robin. Apart from my one stop to get the Turkey sandwich, I never stopped. I thought about everything under the sun, but at one point I started thinking about Kate striking up this bland conversation on im with me about absolutely nothing, blithely ignoring all that lies beneath the surface. And how I'd thought I'd made it quite clear that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. So I planned out everything I was going to say to her next time she tried to chat with me. Had a whole spiel. Later, Dan drove me home and I was trolling the internet, getting ready to go to bed, when at about midnight guess who decides to start texting me?
And what do I do? I respond. And we chit chat for a few minutes again about nothing. Now my day had been relatively ok, especially since I'd gotten so much exercise. But what? As soon as she texts me I'm like a dog, wagging my tail, waiting for some sort of treat, like maybe, "I'm so sorry I made a mistake, let's try to work things out." What an asshole I am.
So Monday I hung out with Ian all day long and we talked about art, philosophy, literature, politics... everything. First truly great conversation I've had in a while. But still I found myself analyzing everything Kate had said to me in her texts. Trying to read between the lines. She had told me she saw a band she thinks I'd like. Asked me how I was. Said I was applying to a lot of freelance editing jobs, and that I hoped I'd get them. She said You will. You always do. To which I replied that I don't always get what I want... Then she promptly changed the subject. Said she'd hung out with Elizabeth that night, her old friend. I said, I remember Elizabeth. She's nice. Tell her I said hey. She said I will, she hearts you. So I wondered. Why was she out without her new boyfriend when he'd only arrived a few days earlier, and had come to be exclusively with her? Why was she telling me that her friend "hearts" me? Had they been talking about me? Was Elizabeth pulling for me? All this was going on in the back of my head while I talked to Ian about Shakespeare and Duchamp and Althusser. Whenever there was a pause in me and Ian's conversation, all I could think about was how much I'd have rather have been having that conversation with Kate.
So when I got home I wrote a more direct email than the last, stating quite explicitly that I don't ever want to talk to her again. The first email was poetic. I put a lot of time and effort into getting it just right. This one was very direct, and almost bitchy. She hasn't responded. I also blocked her on gchat. Which may or may not seem extreme. But it's what I did. Because if I don't she will just keep trying to keep me on the leash. And though she'll deny that's what she's doing, it is exactly what she's doing. You don't drunken text your ex-boyfriend with all this bland small talk unless you want to keep him around in your life. Well, not after the things I've said to her. You don't do that to someone who has told you point blank, to your face that he is in love with you and willing to leave Rome and move to a city he hates just to be with you. No, don't text me asking me how my day was.
I haven't written in a few days because I would rather stay away from the darker side of what's going on in my life, and try to veer more towards the positive, but I need to get shit out sometimes. I'm going to be in Alabama again in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to certain parts of it, but also dreading some parts. I'm looking forward on trying to make some progress in the filmmaking industry, and sitting down with Gaelan and fleshing out our ideas one-on-one, but also Leah keeps texting me. Asking me when I'm getting back, etc. I think she really likes me. If it weren't that way, if it were understood that we were just going to fool around with no emotions to it, I'd be fine with it. But I think it's a bit more than that with her. She wants to visit me in Rome. I need to be fair to her and tell her what's going on in my head right now. She's a really cool, very sweet girl. She doesn't deserve to be led on. Not that I have. But it seems like if I don't say something soon, it will start to get that way. Meanwhile I can go out and have sex with Sarah Beth and not give a damn. I lost my virginity to her. And I don't really care for her that much. And I was pretty explicit with her that I was just pursuing my hedonistic tendencies.
But I have no interest in random hook-ups like that. No, not anymore. Need something meaningful.
gotta go. Maybe I'll call Dan and see what he's up to.